Thursday, December 22, 2016

Ecstasy. III

Not long did it take for the Golden shield, worn by this mistress of mystery to begin to protect me as well. The helium balloon was neither hers nor mine. It simply was. That's all we could've ever hoped it to be. This dusty snow globe of a world I reside in stayed just as dusty as always, yet I saw less of it— or rather felt less of it I suppose. This angelic figure of a woman and I had never separated since that day. All in all the activities of my day continued the same as before. However the mundane ambiance had evaporated now that I can share it with someone. Still, her high-stapled cheek bones and perfected bits of calcium make me uneasy. Whatever disease gives it to these balloon wielding miracles must be contagious. With her at my side she's basically sewn my corners to the top. She said it would be a lot harder to break than the staples the balloon gave her. As the time we spent together grew so did the gravitational force of those charismatic eyes she wore. They weren't Perfect, in fact it may have been her one and only imperfection, but she never pretended like they were either.  That has potentially always been the most intriguing fact about her. A human able to stay completely honest and still wear a halo of hair unlike any others.
She stuck out like a sore thumb. At least next to me anyways. As we walked the desolate avenues it looked as though we were an unmatched pair with our balloon as some adopted bastard of a child. When in fact neither of us could begin to see such a future. She just knew I'd never have the confidence to hold such an immense privilege in my hands without the warmth of hers helping me. We often had our fair share of stares and scowls from the creature like humanoids nested near the sewage drains. She never paid mind to them. I suppose I may have cared too much, even if I used to know them. They were different now. Not a single light shone except for her during all hours of the day. Like a spontaneously lit candle willing to sacrifice everything for a plebian whom of which certainly didn't deserve it. The light she emitted was a window into a previously unperceivable world with no dust at all.
When we were by our lonesome that window would widen to the fullest. In that window, was a world whose clouds only made shapes of animals, something no one has seen for years— at least... Not where I'm from. There was the same heap of snow but without the suffocation that comes with it. A world where the sun was always generously trading with the moon. This is where the balloons came from.
The window closes to her scolding me. I had no idea that I could get lost in someone's eyes so easily. She seldom spoke and whenever she did all I could ever hear was an angelic siren of reassurance that she'll never let this balloon go. I believe her. I felt drowned in euphoria. A type of feeling you only experience a few times in your life. The feeling of your lungs filling with helium lifting up what had been thought to be a useless soul. A special warmth in the upper-left sector of your ribcage I had never knew existed until she came along. A feeling so beautifully grotesque that if I were to breathe my last breath in those moments that breath would have a special enchantment to it that only she could form out of nothingness. She had taught me a new word as well, it must of been for describing her. I believe it was called "Perfe—"

After removing myself from this baptism of happiness she so instilled, I return to the scolding.  Apparently it had been my turn for over 5 minutes; we were playing chess. I was godawful at the game; goddamn was she good at it. I would just sit and arrange all the little figurines as though I was actually attempting to storm a castle. In my head the pawns were going to flank the side entrance, like the surprise of her arrival. I personally thought bishops were useless, just out of experience, forgetting it was a board game. The rest of the pieces just seemed to have arbitrary limitations. Like my own. Except for the Queen of course. The most powerful piece on the board. It had become the embodiment of her. All her pieces were golden, lined with red threads. Mine were dust ridden. Worn out, old, and obviously replaceable. Throughout the game the balloon sat and watched. Noiseless like a traumatized child; observing me endlessly. Watching me get lost in the thought and study of what happiness actually feels like. Subconsciously I was making each move take a little longer in hopes that maybe the window would stay open.
"Checkmate" she says.
I had almost intentionally put myself in a corner of the board, to make my rusted king suffer less. She decided to drag on his suffering with her two beautiful rooks. Somehow she knew how to amuse me. My face had sewn it's self upwards. The muscles twitched and creaked as this pleasurable roar of noise erupted from my vocal chords.  Hers was just the same. It was probably the loudest thing she's done. Seeing her do that caused my face to clench so tight the ends of my eyes crinkled. She seemed to enjoy that.
It grew to be late. The evening was near indescribable. I lay awake too full of adrenaline as the balloon separated her and I across the room. I was scared to fall asleep, I still am, because reality had become far greater than my dreams ever have.
I roll over just to stare into the balloon as I drift off with my helium filled lungs.
"This was the hope I had always Dreamt of".

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Bliss. II

Day after day. Cloudy sunrise after cloudy sunrise. Gloomy Moonlight shone through each night as the one small glimpse at something known as hope.
One usual dead December day a red balloon attached itself to me. At first I was somewhat alarmed at just what the hell this was. I had knew of colors but never seen them in person. Not because I'm colorblind but because there are none in this dust enclosed dome of despair people are literally dying to get out of. There it sat, taunting me knowing I could never fully grasp it's presence. At least it was nice to look at, a small, nearly blooded, glimmer of hope to reach for. The red balloons were reserved for those who were actually good people, with money. The balloon refused to leave and so it just floated around me, like a cloud with no rain orbiting me as I travrsed my snowy wastelands.
Eventually there was a crowd surrounding me, making all this unbearable noise, futilely trying to remove the balloon from my orbit. Then I noticed a specific girl in the crowd. She was different from all the rest, she had this golden sheild of hair that seemed to repel the dust. Her face was nearly freakish, at least to me. She looked just like your stereotypical balloon owner, even though she didn't have one on her, with their top facial muscles clenched to perfection, showing off the impeccable calcium tablets held hostage in her mouth, all 32 of them; each corner pinned underneath their eyes, but hers wasn't forced.
She seemed odd especially in such an animalistic crowd however an Enjoyable resonance that only I seemed to be able to feel emitting from her. She approached me and with a power Unknown to me she grabbed the balloon. After the gasps from our audience had ceased the taped the balloon to my hand and vanished.
The crowd dispersed, seeing as I somehow possessed the balloon now. As the exposure to the balloon had extended more and more I could feel my facial muscles slowly clenching as well, until the balloon detached itself from me and disappeared. And so I continue the trudge through the dust all the way to my house, which certainly never felt like home. Another night of intimidating Moonlight passes by.
I wake to find the balloon there again. Except now it was glued to my hand. The day went on similarly to yesterday with an unsettling amount of Stares. My tongue-gaurding calcium began to slowly show itself. Suddenly, the balloon seem to have enough, it knew I didn't have any right to it. It tore itself away from my hand. I felt nothing as the glue tore away at my shell of a body but it still hurt. As the balloon began it's vertical escape the girl appears again. Her resonence began to consume me, a piece of me had been longing for her presence. She grabs the balloon again, still just as surprising as before. With it in hand she steps towards me, saying how she never wanted a balloon despite how fitting she is for one. She locks her hand into mine sealing the balloon in place. It must have been hers, but why? Why would she try so hard to give this to me? That answer I still don't know. But her hand has still never left me, she follows by my side making sure I hold on to this helium balloon she calls happiness.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Clarity. I

Tunnel Vision, it's this odd occurrence that lead's to a plethora of idiocy in decision making. It causes a person to literally not see something five feet in front of them. It prevents those who want things from realizing they already have what they're searching for. It is a fogginess of time wasting the revolves around trying to shove yourself into every other person's life when they clearly want nothing to do with you. This fog prevents you from seeing that someone has already accepted you as a person. And that this meaningful conversation escapade has been using a broken compass to guide you. North has been right in front of you the whole time. What's north you ask? A snake. A Boa more specifically. And this Boa has always been there always platonically loving you, always making you laugh, always listening to you, always reading your poems right away, and most of all always fixing your earrings. This Boa has never abandoned you yet your fog is so thick that you've never taken notice to how much companionship and security has been possible for the last three years. All along the reptilian has slowly became more and more like family to you and has a venom that's sweet with no sting.
The lightbulb has finally clicked, you see it now. It lies in wake glaring at you with jouful eyes. What's scary is the lack of anxiety around the Boa even though you're terrified to go near any of the others.
Finally you see the open unhinged jaw lunging towards you, and you smile as the venom fills your bloodstream. You can finally rest peacefully and happily; for all that the Boa has done for you. You have achieved, Clarity. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Denial

For the most part I completely agreed with the social stigma that exes are supposed to be these demonic human beings whom of which you never want to see or hear from again. People that suddenly are supposed to mean nothing to you even if they used to be the only thing holding you upright.
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After the last month and a half I couldn't disagree with that idea more. I don't talk to her anywhere near as much as when we were together— when I was happy. Even if that's the case if I allowed myself, I would still be texting her day and night. I still talk about her just as reverent as before. I'll still bring her up and talk about just how amazing everything was— was.... When we were together if I subtracted the hormones really I had the greatest friend in the world and I've realized that's the part of her I can't stand living without— sure I find a random excuse to text her and pretend like everything is back to normal— Oh god how those few minutes become so refreshing!

The saddest part is that I'm too afraid to admit how much I just simply miss talking with her. That special bond, it's just something you can't search for and replace. No Matter the number of nameless hips, sushi dinners, and outdated pick up lines gone through I know none of them could live up to her. So I get irritated, act like it's their fault when in fact I'm trying to recreate the past; feeling obligated to move on by my passing surroundings. I have to sit there and pretend like she doesn't Still have the power to make me fall to my knees and sob.
I know I can't relive the past. It's never been anyone's fault. The universe is uncontrollable. No matter how much of grip on reality us humans think we have something in the atmosphere won't hesitate to rip it away from us. I have to sit there and decide whether it's just simply missing her or if I've somehow fallen in love with our memories. Even knowing all that a part of me is convinced that somehow some Blondie can fix all that, as if a simple 'blow and go' from that girl that says we're only friends can distract from the loneliness, somehow this idea that I've lied  myself into believing that a 'meaningful conversation' with all these other people could magically equate to that Flower-Named Goddess I still catch myself worshipping on accident—My scars constantly twitch expecting a new younger sibling to force itself into the foster home of suffering that is this body. They won't get one. This time is different. This whole time has always been different. This time... I have nothing to deny anymore.