Pax Aeterna. VI

With where I last was, all seems complete, does it not? Reliance I have at last found within the most angelic of figures. A beauty which I am so lucky to behold each day. Together we both grow and glow more and more each day.

As time has passed ever so vastly our dear balloon which was once the cornerstone of our companionship has somehow faded into the background. Paying attention to it now I notice its color was fading, yet hers was not. Could she be feeding off of it?

Perhaps my own bleak gloominess I bring to ever occasion could be killing it. And to think I had considered myself healing. I am surely just damaging to those around me. My uncontrollable outbursts, my eternal affection of which can never be reciprocated yet she still stays. How in this world could she bear such weight and still look astounding doing so?

I am ahead of myself as always.  I cannot let myself forget the shattered roots I have risen from. Those cold, cold nights… I am still surprised as to how I endured the endless malice I brought upon myself-- that I still bring some days. Profusely undercutting my own achievements I possess a vendetta against my own being. Seeing this flesh go without any sort of torture is maddening. I wish not to relapse, I must be careful recalling such memories.

Maybe that’s why she granted me the balloon oh so long ago. As if she knew redness was the only color familiar to me. Red was the only color I could produce on my own. Then it would slowly fade into a thick, painful, crumbling, black.

That’s the only recognizable affection I have received to date. Disregarding the helium goddess in my sight. So far I seemed to have come yet I have not taken any steps. Still bound by the same profound loneliness that has always shrouded my joy.

Back to the balloon. My addition to her life does not seem beneficial to any degree. I feel as those things wither around me. That could be my perspective just being off. Her smile always kept up with me. Knowing just when I needed it. Her timing was impeccable.

The balloon… it wasn’t just fading. I noticed some black around its edges. “Oh why must history always repeat itself!? It has become just as the red from before. I am ruining it with my frivolous existence!”

I ran outside with it in hand in hopes that the power of the dim sun could prove my hysteria wrong. To convince me I was not such the mistake I believed to be. The sun could never do that. That was her job.

In response to my anguish she followed and simply looked at me. With the constant calming tone in her eyes that told me it was okay.

The blackness on the balloon was pulsating as if it were slowly eating away at the balloon destroying all which I had fallen in love with. Pulsating like a torturous Tell-Tale Heart.

She held me with such reassurance my worries were slowly subdued. But she was not done. She sat there refusing to look away from my eyes. I was beginning to drift off getting lost in hers. Her grasp on me stayed steady however something in her muscles still shifted.

I looked on, lost in those eyes of an indescribable color. Fulfilling all of that which I thought I had lost in that very moment. In my delusion I had not even noticed the sun dissipate into the nothingness similar to my old soul. The moonlight shone on us both like the spotlight of a prison’s guard tower. It was intimidating yet welcoming all at once.

The rare speckles of light I knew nothing of showed themselves. Some were arranged in odd shapes as if by accident. Why in the world should there be two spoons in the sky watching over us and our endeavors.

With a sudden jolt she had let the balloon go. “Woman are you mad?!! What reason have you to stay without that? For what reason will I have to feel your grasp? What monster shall I become when you depart? Do you mean to abandon me so?”
            She placed a finger on my lips ever so gently. She stared on into the upward darkness that engulfed us all watching the balloon drift away. She motioned for me to watch as well.

I reluctantly watch as all that had built up drift away. An item so symbolic to our nature how could she ever afford to let it go. The moon seemed to absorb the balloon for some time before I officially gave up on its return.

Despite its disappearance she was still there by my side. It was honestly worrisome since most just vanish once they get the chance. Did she wish to harm me with a pent up aggression before her departure?

Whilst lost in my fervor I feel something brush against the back of my hand. Unfortunately it wasn’t hers but a string. I break my silence.

“Could it be? Has it returned?”

The balloon had indeed sunk back down to the putrid pit in which I live. Where the beauty it had brought to me was still my only solace. The balloon was more different than it already was only minutes ago.

The blackness of which I surely caused had spiraled itself into the balloon ever so eloquently. It was almost as beautiful as she was. I glance over to see an excitement in her previously unknown to me. Her face was so creased, all her calcium was out in the open shining for anyone to see. Her short strands of gold bounced as if they were celebrating. The diameter of her overwhelming aura increased.

She was so contagious I could not keep my discontent any longer. My corners forced themselves over matching her energy, becoming one with it as we gawked at this new arrival.

“Don’t you like it? It looks so beautiful now”.

She spoke as if it had not been beautiful before. It was hers so surely it had to have been. Or at least I thought so. I inquire her to explain why she felt so much joy from the new appearance.

“Because it reminds me of you now, of us. Don’t you see how much more wonderful it is now that it has added your own color to it. Now it isn’t just my hope and my happiness. It has finally become ours. Something we’ve both contributed to. It’s absolutely wonderful because of you. I love its new color and you should to. Don’t underestimate all you do for me. You do a lot for me and my—I mean our happiness.”
I stood there frozen bewildered by the immense truth she spoke so well. Was she a mind reader? How could she have known to address such insecurities? I digress.

It was indeed beautiful. Together we had made it better. I had done something good with someone who was amazing and it was now ours to cherish and admire for the rest of time.

Until the very last bit of our matter goes off into oblivion and gets converted to some other substance. This new future I had no such words to describe it. Our final and infinite moments permanently sewn together by the string of this very balloon. At this thought she spoke up suddenly.

“Pax Aeterna” she said.

To this day I have never heard a more accurate descriptor of our life. 

My Longest Relationship (3/15/16)

I often wonder to myself, “Why am I alone?” You know, maybe it’s just that I haven’t met the right girl yet or maybe… Maybe I just shouldn’t exist. What’s the point in sticking around when no one wants me? Especially since I already hate myself, I’m sure they all hate me too. Okay, maybe you don’t, but you hate the fact that I’m in love with you, right? Exactly. That’s what I thought. All because I’m not good enough. I’m not a something people want. I’m a something that everyone is better off without. No, I’m not good enough. You’ve proven it to me.

You don’t understand what it’s like to be alone, do you? Of course not. You’re too beautiful for that. Pretty people don’t understand what it’s like to sit there at night, being unloved by everyone. Hating yourself more so than anyone else on the planet. You don’t understand what it’s like to be the only one in gym class wearing longs sleeves every class. You don’t understand what it’s like to have nothing but razors to keep you company at night. You…. You constantly have people following you around. You have people who constantly make you the center of their attention when you don’t even try. You have no concept of how I feel so how could you ever begin to help me? Actually, I have an idea. I want a reason. A reason I’m not good enough for you so that I might be able to fix it. Is it because I’m ugly, is it because I would rather write poems than play sports, is it because my wrists are nothing but a graveyard of scars that grows bigger with each day? Y’know what? It doesn’t matter. Everyone’s going to leave me eventually, just like my dad, you people are all the same. You, Vic, Karina, everyone will stop caring about me so I should just leave now before I’m hurt any worse. Nothing maters anymore. I’m sick of the universe constantly screwing me over; I’m sick of depression being the longest running relationship I’ve ever had. So, I’m sorry to everyone. This is goodbye.