L is for Lying,
When it comes to lying, particularly in this sense, I am not referring to cheating or being unfaithful. Rather, just lying to yourself. Convincing yourself that maybe, just for a moment, that she could somehow care about you the same exact way you do her. It then becomes a continuous lie that grows deeper and deeper. Adding more lacerations to yourself respectively to match. Perhaps she wonders on just how such irrational love comes to be. How such a ridiculous lie can be created out of air and believed so religiously by you for it all to just never really exist like actual religions do. But you, you know how. It makes sense to you, you're used to it. You remember the moment you officially could say you loved her. It was a normal day, finally just trying to relax at home when you get a phone call. It was her. You pick it up happily scurrying off to your room to so that no one else in the house could hear you. Going about the playful banter you always try and bring about unto just about any girl you speak to. However she's good at it, at least sometimes. The conversation went on for about 40 minutes. You remember the exact moment she slipped up, when she admitted she cared about you, that she was protective of you to some extent and that she hated your ex for mistreating you just as much as you did. Of course this is all platonic on her end. But you, being the absolute fucking idiot you are, managed to feel a butterfly in your stomach at the disbelief that she really cared, even if it was platonic. You should just learn to kill Everything that feels good. That butterfly was nice, you know it was. And it repopulated like a virus inside of you; consuming you until you feel the need to consume her to make up for the shitty parts of you that you got stuck with in the process. That very moment, that one, simple, phonecall... It actually made you start loving her and you were so caught up in false hope that you couldn't stop yourself. This stupid love of yours. It added a spark to every kiss you'd occasionally get, it even added a fucking smile to your face just from being around her. You idiot why would you do this to yourself. You autistic fuck, why must you care so much? why...
O is for Obsession,
So then the problem gets worse for you, and even worse for her. We know how it all started now, how such a harmful growth can begin and start to envelope your emotions. What happens when it's done? When there is a full grown nest inside of your priorities completey dedicated to her alone, smothering the ashy remains of its predecessors. Decomposition helps make healthy soil, perhaps all the amounting and dying failures in the past is why this one has grown so large for you. This cancer resembling canopy of emotions ends up disabling your ability to not try. You always feel the need to at least be doing something in hopes that it might work or at least take so much effort that it distracts you from the pain of the spreading canopy. Deep down when you examine those roots you know damn well they were grown into a non-existent foundation and it's too late for you to just rip them out of the ground. You're already committed to this in some sense. Committed to a relationship that you Dreamt about the night before. You have an addictive loyalty to a person who finds you so distastefully exhausting that she can't bare to spend more than 2 hours with you at a time. And yet, that doesn't stop you. Nor do you even care honestly. You're just happy to have anything, 'it beats being alone' something you say that's only true when you lie to yourself about the immense torment you'll put yourself through later. You become so overly hateful of yourself for loving her that it just makes you want to love her more because it barely hurts when you're near her. Well done. You trapped yourself into an inescapable corner of losing all other purpose in life other than her. Which is absolutely stupid and you fuckin know it. And so does she. The label of an obsession for you can be derived from the lack of control you feel. How in the world could you possibly comand and control something as complex as your own emotions in an attempt to find solace somewhere buried in there. You don't tell your emotions how to feel, they just feel however, for whomever, completey against your will. And when it's one of the only things that can evoke happiness out of you it all seems worth the weeks of agony just for an hour of blissfulness. Your natural masochism certainly doesn't help it either. You only ever want that which you personally feel you need. That alone is a sole reason you're such an obsessive, self-sacrifical mess. Just another reason why love does so much bad shit to you.
V is for vulnerability
This is a reason, a lot of people commonly fear love. This is potentially the only normal thing about how you handle love. Oh wait, nevermind. You never let it stop you. You knowingly allow yourself to love and get an obsession. Fan-fucking-tastic that worked out well didn't it? You don't make sense. You seriously don't. You'll throw your entire world, including your life, off a cliff in hope, not even a guarantee, that it might work. You are unable to forgive yourself if you let any person be "the one that got away" so you become hell-bent on trying absolutely everything just so that you no longer have the what ifs rattling around in your head keeping you up at night. Instead you're kept up all night screaming at yourself for loving her and then punishing yourself for it. This goes on and on, until eventually you just feel nothing, for anyone. You become so drained that you can't even manage to hate yourself anymore and all you want is to just have it end.
E is for Envy
So what's left now that you've got nothing on this repeated journey of love. If you can't love, you find yourself being a lot more hateful given the fine line that seperates the two. You don't hate her, just yourself. You become envious of everyone she's ever had feelings for, mad at her for not wanting you, you know it's not her fault so you just become mute because you're afraid that any word you say will just hurt her. Meanwhile, silence seems to do the same. You're now at the end of your downward spiral. The same spiral that's used to tie a noose. All that's left for you to do at this point is to just finally tighten the knot.
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