Sore

Wakey wakey,
your tendons are achey.
Out of bed you dive,
you'll have arthritis by 25.
Attempt to run,
You're behind everyone.
You fall short
Your body is sore
Always wanting more,
You Hungry, Hungry, Whore

Around the handle, you wrap your fist,
"Kill me" he cries
the public masochist.
What a pussy, you won't commit
You're just a narcissist, full of shit.
Arrogance can only go so far,
Especially with how ugly you are.
You'll be dead by thirty,
Why not hurry?

The search for affection,
Then Endless rejection
With Scar Impressions
And Therapy sessions
One more injection
Of bad intentions
And Bad connections
With no protection
Try not to mention—
Emotional compression.
One person, new obsession
Nothing learned— misdirection
My last confession,
The outer projection
My own infection
Right at home— Chemical depression.

Mood swings— you feel bi-polarized,
Schizophrenia lags behind.
Pretty soon, she won't be the only thing in your mind
The only thing you control.
The speed at which you die.

Ghosts

I feel as though I've figured out what I want. After injecting myself with different toxicins, all with different names, I know full and well the things that aren't good for me. And I've gotten to experience what someone truly caring about me is like, and it makes me feel so peaceful for once in my life and it has nothing to do with romance.
Anyways, I am at a point where I'm done with the idea. I do nothing but chase people that aren't there, figures that never cared in the first place, ghosts that already stuck a knife into my liver and all I do is walk forward because to me the pain is completely worth being able to be next to someone. I have never been in a relationship I genuinely wanted. I've done nothing but settle because the person I truly loved, or rather was emotionally attached to was not romantically inclined so I get distractions. I've only genuinely given a shit about 3 people, 4 if you count #8 but I think she just fucked good. Each and every time I would force myself into a relationship with some tool I would have to take care of only to distract myself from the fact that the only people important to me Will never want me. And it's not unreasonable hopelessness. It is literal fact that each one always gives, freshman year, she was my best friend at the time and I drove myself into an abusive hole for a year just because I'm incapable of moving on. Then I'm on a yo-yo for 2 and half years with those who still refer to me as their "best friend" to this day without realizing how detached I've become for my own good. And now I'm at the same crossroad. Where I would usually use someone in order to be distracted and get by.
I know that is not what I want. And I'm sick of settling. I accept that I'm chasing ghosts and I'm done with relationships as a whole. I don't care anymore, I really don't. I have what I need. It just a hopeless, pointless, never ending cesspool of of shit that I constantly ruin my own life with. Creating this piece I am digging my own grave but I can't stop it. I still feel satisfied writing this despite knowing the potential consequences. I just wish I could stop, all together. I'm really really tired from it all. I'm tired of settling. I'm always plagued with dissociation and self-constructed isolation. I am my own worst enemy and everyone knows it. I think I'm ready to just finally get rid of my enemy. Everything would be easier I think, if I've been chasing ghosts this whole time, at least when I'm done I'll finally be matching.

Company

Infants die without affection. It's a part of human nature that's more often than not frowned upon. The ability to properly live and rely on one's self is idolized and worshiped. Yet, humans complain when person's aren't "in tune with their emotions". People don't seem to understand what they want. I think they're just afraid of pressure. It's a product created in ones own mind about the stress of disappointing others. But you will disappoint them. You will upset them. It's just what life is.
As for this, codependency disorder or not, I'm willing to admit the sheer bliss that I feel when surrounded by others. I was told I was an introvert, I thought that I was. I'm not at all. I'm simply selective of who can make a difference with their existence and those whose existence is of no importance to me. Cruel, be as it may. It's the closest thing I can find to get across how I feel about this kind of thing. You never notice how detrimental loneliness is, or that you're even alone at all, until you aren't. You ever take your shirt off and realize it smells like someone else? It's addictive. Smells have the ability to trigger memories more so than any other sense except for taste. If you smell something, you'll never forget it. Whether it's the smell of burning flesh or the perfume you stole from your ex. Then you ask yourself why you wear it every day. It just tricks you into thinking that someone else is always around you.
There's no feeling in the world like a sigh of relief as you stare at the ceiling of someone else's room. It's either bliss or regret depending on the circumstance.
"Yeah..." I said. "This is the most okay I've been in a long time".
I still don't know what to call it, assigning titles to my emotions isn't my strong suit so I'm not going to call it anything. I can't understand why, but there's a degree of tranquility that I've never possessed before as a person knowing that when I open my eyes I won't wake up alone in my own room. It's like being in bed with both your parents as a kid, something I've never had before, after an 18 year long nightmare of loneliness that's been impossible for me to escape. It just feels like I've found what I've been seeking through the countless muses with none of the complications. No lust, no confusion, no misunderstandings. Simply the joy of sharing the air with someone other than yourself for once I have no other feeling to compare it to. It's one of those things in my mind where I truly believe that these people love and care about me. If I feel this way, I know there must be others that feel similarly in this world. I just don't know why I feel as if I'm the only one talking about it. Maybe it's one of those social constructs I need to be taught still. Maybe it's a sign of weakness. Maybe people are somehow afraid of admitting how nice it is just to be next to someone, especially more than one person. The shaking always brings back memories. Every significant other I've had always said the same thing. "Stop being nervous." "It's okay." "Are you sure? You're shaking."
Shaking is what I do. Even as I write this. It's what I'll always do. Maybe it's the realization that everything is going to end badly no matter what I do because I have no self control. I can't bottle anything up. It'd be so much easier if I could. From my perspective, y'know, it doesn't even come off as that big of a deal since I'm accustomed to my solitude, but I still don't enjoy it. I just wanna be able to express how happy the little things like this make me without ruining everything for once. People truly don't need to know how I feel. Why is it so hard for me to listen?