Friday, April 27, 2018

Hell's Kitchen (11/22/15)

        It  was  a  mundane  night  at  home  for Gordon   Ramsay   after   another   shitty dinner service. He started to cook himself dinner. As he stood  there  slicing  the  salmon  he thought  to himself, “My god tonight was awful. Honestly how many times can someone fuck up that many plates  of  scallops?!  They  were so  rubbery  they literally bounced off the fuckin’ wall. Bloody hell what am I going to do?” He finished slicing the  salmon  and  went to  turn  on  his  oven.  It wouldn’t ignite. “Bloody hell not this again.” He gets  inside the oven  with  a  lighter  to  ignite  it. Once he was inside the hinges on the oven door unlocked closing  him  inside  just  as  the  fire started.  It  was  too  late.  Gordon  Ramsay  was burned alive in his own oven. After  the  tragedy  his family  couldn’t continue  to  bear  seeing  that oven  any  longer. They  auctioned  off  the oven  at  a  chef’s convention in Las Vegas for about $5,000. The man who bought it, Jake, was a private chef for President  Obama. Nothing  strange  happened with the oven until a month after the purchase. Obama wanted seafood for dinner so that’s what Jake prepared. Jake was plating the crabs when he heard a voice, “Are you seriously going to serve that shit to the President?” Jake turned to see where the voice was coming from and no one else  was  there.  He  slowly  realized  the voice came  from  the  oven.  The  voice  spoke again, “Why are you just looking around like an idiot? Answer me damn it.” Jake recognized the voice, it was Gordon Ramsay’s. Jake stammered terrified:
    “Chef Ramsay I- I thought you were dead.”

    “Of  course  I’m  dead  you  fuckin'
imbecile.  But  your  shit  food  has  brought  me back. Don’t you dare serve that garbage!”

    “But chef, what’s wrong with it? It looks
fine.”

    “Are you kidding me? The crabs are so
undercooked you could give them back to your girlfriend.  Jesus  Christ  look  at  the  oil  on that damn thing, there’s so much the U.S. is going to invade the fucking plate.”

Jake stood there shocked at what he just heard. He disregarded the comments on his food and walked away. As soon as he turned the oven appeared  with  the  door  open.  Jake tried  to  run from  it  but  it  was  an  illusion and  he  run  right inside the oven. The door was shut and he was burned alive. Just like Ramsay was.
      After  this  incident  the  oven  was  just placed in a junkyard. Within a week a group of stoners walked passed and took the oven home. That  night  the  stoned  Zak  decided to  make brownies. He had an abundant amount of energy combining  his  cocaine addiction.  Zak went  to use to oven but he couldn’t figure out how to turn it on. Then he heard a voice yell, “Oh, for fucks sake at least Hitler could use an oven. And why  in  the  fuck is  there  mac  and  cheese  in  the brownies Are you that goddamn stupid?”
      Zak figured the voice was just the dankness of his weed. 
      “Bro chill out, cheese is like, amazing with brownies.” 
       “Oh my  god this kid is both types of
slow. You’ve been mixing for 20 minutes. You
cook like old people fuck!”
     Zak, being as high as he was, sat in the
refrigerator to see if that would make the voice chill out. After an hour in the fridge and a  few frostbitten toes, he wanted to warm up, so he sat in  the  oven.  After  a  minute  or  two  the flame turned on and he started to burn. The possessed oven  captured  another victim. The  baked,  had been baked.

Fran (10/30/15)

        William,  Janet,  Katie  and  me  went  out drinking  one  night.  It  was  average  like  always when they got drunk. Katie would go home with a  random  stranger.  Janet  would  just  give  out handy’s to anyone who entered the bathroom. William got into fights leading everyone to get kicked out  and  I,  Aaron,  was  their  designated driver. This night William actually didn’t get us kicked out instead  he  just  made  a  new  friend named Jose. I didn’t care so I gave him a ride home too. Jose didn’t seem to be that drunk and was very quiet. The most tame of all of us now. I  go  into  the men’s  room  and  shove Janet’s sticky hands under hot water drowning them in soap. I have William help me drag her back to the car. All we need is Katie and we can leave. We searched and searched and could not find  her.  I  decided  she’d  be  fine  probably sleeping underneath a random stranger.
        I begin to drive Jose home first the suddenly we hear a banging  in  the  back  of  the  trunk. Janet  looked over at me, “Why are you breathing so heavy?” she asked I wasn’t. After we reach Jose’s house we  reluctantly  open  the  trunk  to  see  what  the noise was. I open the trunk, to find what looked like  a  passed  out  Katie  missing  her  pants.  Jose buts in, “How about we all go inside and try to sober  up  before  you  go  go  home?”  Looking down at Katie’s corpse-like state we follow him inside. I  set  Katie  on  the  couch  and  cover  her with a blanket. “Just make yourselves at home while I go get us some water.” Jose says. The four  of  us  sit  there  waiting  for  around  ten minutes  and  suddenly  a  little  girl  comes  down stairs.  ‘Would you all like to have a tea party?” she asks. The girl looks no more than eight years old.  Tea  means  a  sober  drink  so  why  the  hell not?  The  girl  jumps  with  excitement  as  she brings us the tea. We all sat in a little circle with our tiny cups and plates. We all begin to sip the tea and it was actually quite good. “So what’s your name?” I ask the young girl. She sat and stared  at  me  with  emptiness  in  her  eyes  for  a minute as if I had just killed her mother. The she quietly replied “Fran.” We all sat silently until Will asked “Is Jose your brother?” Fran sat there smiling  until  she  began  to  giggle.  Then  she stopped completely,   looked   down   and   said “No.”

      Everything went black.

       I woke up bound a chair unable to move. I  could  see  everyone.  All  tied  up  in  the  chairs, except for Fran. The poor little girl where could she be? Then I noticed her. Sitting in the middle of us all with her legs crossed smiling. I look to see if anyone else is awake. I look at Katie and see blood dripping off her body. Her throat was cut, it was deep, Katie was dead. Next I see Jose. His  legs were covered  in  blood  they  must  be broken. Janet and William look fine. Fran speaks finally. “Welcome to my game where everyone loses and  Katie’s  turn  is already  over.”  Fran walks over to Katie and flicks her forehead. We all stare as nothing happens. BOOM! Katie’s head flies clean off her body splattering against the wall.
          “Giving head was her specialty, not anymore”  Fran  says.  Janet breaks  into  tears, loudly wailing. Fran looks annoyed. She takes a fine  knitting  needle and  throws  it  at  Janet.  Her crying stopped. The needle had gone through her eye  and  out  the back  of  her  head.    Fran  spoke again, “Two turns over already? What a bore.” She  walks over  to  Jose  and  looks  down  at  his shattered knees. “Your turn now mister.” Fran takes  her  little  fist  and  drives  it  right  into his wounds.  She  does  this  repeatedly covering  her hands in his blood. This torture went on for 15 minutes  before  Jose  passed out  from  the pain and bled to death. “Only two left” she says. I looked over at will. He wasn’t scared. He wasn’t sad.  I  could see the pure blackness of his eyes. He was pissed. He stood up, the chair still tied to his body. He quickly spun himself trying to hit that girl, or whatever the hell that demonic bitch was.  As the  spun  the  chair  shatter  when  it collided with  her  launching  splinters  in  every direction.  I  shouted  for  him  to  untie  me but he was so caught up in anger he didn’t even notice me.
       Fran just laid on the floor motionless, in her white dress. He walked over to her, now untied completely, he swung back his left leg preparing to kick her like a football. But something happened. As he pulled his leg back it didn’t stop  bending.  It kept  twisting  until  his  entire kneecap shattered in the opposite direction. His screams from agony must’ve been able to be heard for miles. He collapsed to the floor. Fran stood  up.  There  was  now  blood  dripping fromboth her eyes. She said nothing this time, just an arm  with  and  open hand  stretched out  towards him. She clenched her fist. All I could here were several   popping   sounds   as if   someone   was making  popcorn.  After  a minute  I  realized  she was breaking all his bones one by one. All 206. One  after  the other  starting  with  his  feet so  he wouldn’t die right away. After 2 minutes the popping stopped  as  did  his  screams.  I  was  the last one left alive. Fran  just  stared  at  me.  It  felt like  an eternity but she just stared at me. Not only was I tied to the chair but it made me feel paralyzed. She began to walk closer to me. With each step causing my entire body to feel hotter and hotter. I began to sweat. She was only about a foot away from me now. She smiled at me. Then she was gone.  I  look down  to  see  why  I  kept  feeling hotter and I look to find that I had been on fire for the last ten minutes. The paralyzing sense of her staring  at  me  kept  me  still  as  I  burned  to death. This was it. I was the last survivor.
        All the events  that  occurred  that  night,  in  that house. Burned  away  with  my  ashes. No evidence  was ever recovered, and not a single body found.

Birds of Hell Awaiting (12/6/15)

       The day it all started... It was the day those damned Wright brothers fucked us all with their experiments. The two of them were mad. Day and night they would stay in that ridiculous laboratory of theirs. They were obsessed with humans being able to fly like birds. The idea was crazy and shouldn’t have been tampered with in the first place. But no they went ahead and tried to give humans the ability to grow wings. It went horribly wrong. When they spliced the genes...
what hatched out of that egg.... It wasn’t human at all. The goddamn thing was a demon. It was 6 feet tall and covered in feathers. It had feet instead of talons and its beak was wide more like a mouth. It was just a humongous bird. It was horrifying. The Wright brothers shit themselves when they saw it. That feathery fuck killed the two of them. But it ate them too. That was the most gruesome. Chewing them up with just scissor beaks and no teeth. Afterward the scene looked like they were both shoved in wood chippers. Their mess of a creation vanished into the woods for about 3 years. But then they attacked. The bird from the lab had hatched more. There were thousands of them. All 6 feet and feathery exactly like the first. 

        That’s when the war started. After the first city was destroyed they drafted the most able men to fight back. Me, being one of them. I had just turned 18 and got engaged to my wife Veronica. It’s been so long I can hardly remember the year. I was enrolled in a quick short term boot camp the government created to make a half-assed soldier out of anyone. I was one of their best so I became a platoon leader. One of the best soldiers aside from myself was Jason. But for some reason he preferred to be called Bubba while on a mission. On our first mission, up in Canada in some forest near Toronto one of those winged bastards had me pinned down and it was about to kill me when Jason saved my life. He had used an ice pick from out mountain climbing kits and stabbed it in the eye. It squealed and we ran like hell back to our base. About 2 months later I got a letter from my wife telling me that she was pregnant with my son. I was so happy I jumped up and grabbed the nearest pen when suddenly our Television switched to CNN news. There was a house on fire.                   Apparently the birds tried to raid the city but only managed to break into one house. They set the fucking place on fire and left. Like goddamn cowards. I wouldn’t be this irate over the whole thing but it was my house that was on fire. With my wife in their too. Those goddamn flying fucks! They knew. They killed my wife and they just fucking loved doing it! I had snapped. I burst into tears and started shooting the TV with a pistol. It took nearly everyone at HQ to calm me down finally. The only friend I had left was Jason. That was until my last mission. They said just one more task and we could all go home. Just get the last of the captives the birds held, plain and simple. But it was an ambush. Within minutes they killed half the army. We were done for. I ran out of there as fast as I could.
      Once I was back at Headquarters I tried to find Jason but I couldn’t find him. I tore apart the infirmary looking for him. Two days later they found his body just 1000 yards from HQ. He stepped on a landmine on the run back from the birds. Good old Bubba was gone now too. I sat there, crying the whole ride home. I had nothing more to come home to now. I whispered  to myself over and over, “Bubba we will have that shrimp boat one day. We really will.” It’s been about 30 years since then. The war has ended and the birds and humans have decided to live peacefully together. But more just tolerant of each other in most cases. For instance I’m one of the top members of the BBB. Or Beak Breaking Brotherhood. It’s for those that still hate the birds with a passion and would murder them on sight if it were legal. Sadly the president abolished the Crow Laws that made birds have to eat, drink, and live separately from people. But they had an equal quality of life according to the law. Sadly Martin Luther Pigeon Jr. fought against these laws and won. Just because he thought that “Separate but equal” laws are only required for eyebrows and not species. I call bullshit. I’d hate to have my kid come home from school covered in feathers. And don’t even start me on the weirdos that actually crossbreed with these monsters. I hate to live in a world with them but it’s better than still having that war. I lost everyone I cared about in that war... I have nothing left to lose...


In that case, it won’t be this peaceful much 
longer.