I was freezing. I only had one layer on at the time; she had on 3. I wanted her against me, I'm scared of being let go of so I needed her to hang on to me. I also needed the warmth. When my hands get cold, the bone chills first, I can't warm them up unless they're held. Like a byronic hero my body starts to give out if someone isn't there for me. When my hands get cold, the feeling dies off slowly and the blood in my veins start to hide away in the core of my body. I lose control of them if the frost goes too deep.
When they're frozen they do whatever they like. I can't stop them. They go after the person I hate most in the world and ithout hands I can't protect myself against their lacerations, their expectations, worst of all the loss of touch. I feel so isolated without it. Like I'm locked in a freezer just left alone to die. The lack of blood causes them to be extra ruthless. There's nothing I can do but watch when that happens. It's been a little over two months since the last time they've gone cold.
There was an hour left on the ride home. She rolls over and lays her hooded mess of my shoulder. She removes any gap of air between us and uses a fourth coat as a blanket. I have my arm around her able hold her in place so that she didn't fall off the seat during redlights. So there she slept in my arms. Keeping me warm with her sleepy breaths that fogged up the window. She holds onto my arm and her bear, shoving her hands underneath us so they stay warm. One of mine goes with them while my other hand keeps her rested against me occasionally playing with her hair.
She slept so peacefully. Something I can never achieve. I stayed up the whole time and just enjoyed the moment. Why would I sleep during the only time I'll ever get to hold her like this. It'll likely be the last we'll ever have as well. And I'm okay with that. The rides almost over. She wakes up. She moves a bit until I loosen my arms and she sits up. "Sorry, did I wake you?" She asked. She always has this worry for me and how I feel. She understands how fragile I can be at times and I get a sense that she truly does care for me.
"No," I said. "I didn't sleep".
When she sat up all I could see is her dark blonde hair covering most of her face. There was a smile on her face as if she was glad to wake up next to me. She had even slept with her glasses on, I could never do that. Through them the 3 AM moonlight bounced off her pupils as she laid back onto my shoulder wrapping herself around my arm so that I could see her face this time. It was all I could ever have wanted in that moment. It was nearly Perfect. It took every bit of strength I had not to kiss her forehead, it was the only thing missing. It's hard to explain how I feel about her because these kinds of moments are what I truly want. It doesn't have the lust and sexuality like romantic love gets. But this is too close to be simply plantonic. What I can be sure of, is that I'm in love with this moment.
Despite having the cutest sneeze, and the kind of beauty you find only once you've stopped looking for it, she'll stay planotic. If I could just take this moment and live in it forever, I would. No sleep, no eating, not even decent radio music, just her warmth and the reassurance that someone is here to defrost my hands when I can't feel them anymore. It's completely worth it to me. It's an hour of my life I will cherish forever, regardless of the future. It's reassurance that I just need someone to make sure my hands never get too cold.
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