Dilemmas

      I think other people are insane. Either they're completely blind, liars, or scared to hurt my feelings. I don't think anyone has the same moral code I do. If I'm a malignant person by my own reasoning, but not others who's ruling takes precedence?
        Regardless, I have this sick feeling in my heart— in my body. I wanna vomit. Sometimes I'm manipulative and selfish, sometimes I'm too confident. Other days I couldn't begin to look in a mirror because of how conceited I would feel. I still feel guilt and pain over the reflection of my selfishness.
        Nothing but fucking contradictions. What am I? Am I a manipulative monster that only cares about the purpose someone serves to me? Or do I genuinely care about these people and their goals? Am I really happy to see them succeed? All of this could be an illusion in order to look good in the eyes of others. I can't feel a difference. Both feel accurate. I'm a fucking mess.
        Does remorse truly nullify the Sociopathic nature of my actions? I genuinely can't understand what these people around me see in me. I don't get it all. I don't deserve my friends, I don't deserve the unconditional love I wake up to every morning. That beautifully red-haired kiss... How did I ever get so lucky?
        People tell me that they don't deserve me. That just because I make them happy, or because I support them, I'm somehow someone special. Somehow that no longer makes me a monster. Although I never was in anyone else's eyes. I'm just doing what I'm supposed to do. I don't think I'm a good person, I just think there's enough worse ones that I seem good.
        Even then, I can't trust or believe my own opinions of myself. Not at all. But It's so hard to believe everyone else, because if I do, I'll disappoint them or get so confident that I'm a good person I end up being a worse one in the process. Maybe, I am a decent human being and this whole Sociopath thing is just a phase, or a façade because I call myself crazy so much I needed to start acting like it. I'm not sure. It's hard to tell if people are honest with me too. For instance, You're in love with me, of course you'll think I'm great. You'll admit I'm Annoying, but you'll still call me great. And for you, for some reason you care about me. I'm still not sure why. You have other options, better best friends— at least I think. Maybe you're just trying to make up for the pain caused in the past. Pain that can't even be your fault because I'm manipulative remember? Maybe if I'm Depressed they won't leave me since they'll see how happy they make me. Next thing I know that developed into something real. Something I couldn't transform out of anymore.
      Everything I just said is from my memory. I can't trust that viewpoint and neither can any of you. Part of me wants to blame something like Sociopathy for my actions so that I don't feel like a damaged person. But I'm destructive. To others and myself.  I try and act like I don't feel guilt. But it burns so damn bad. It doesn't need to be my fault for it to feel like I'm suffocating. I know I never chose to be possessive and Depressed. But I don't think other people damaged me. I feel like maybe everything I've ever felt or gone through is solely my fault in some way.
        Whether or not I'm right or wrong, it's something I can get myself to believe.