There’s almost no greater challenge for myself than attempting to convey my individuality whilst avoiding the typical elitism that plagues the intellectual common denominators. The lack of humility amongst humanity is just a personal annoyance of mine. Due to history always repeating itself, I tend to find that extensive pride causes more harm than good. Look no further than Julius Caesar, someone so arrogant that once he was kidnapped and his only concern was that the ransom should be higher because his conceit convinced him he was worth more. I’m aware that it is paradoxical. My wish to not come off as an elitist ends up making me come off as extra arrogant due to the inference that humility makes me better than others. This is not the case. All of us will have the same sized grave eventually, each with a lifeless stone with an entire life etched into it. I consider myself no better a man than anyone.
With that said, I no longer need to feel guilty for indulging in my own life. Everyone has difficulties. Suffering is often the nature of the world. It’s just something I’ve grown to accept thanks to the Cynics of Greece such as Diogenes, or the base teachings of Siddhartha Gautama. Philosophy has played a large role in solving my teenage identity crisis. It has been one of the few parts of life that I can truly connect with. It has a magic of serving multiple purposes. It allows for extensive self-reflection, helps me to try and comprehend the mindset of others, as well as satisfy my thirst for knowledge because the mystery of life is infinite.
I’m not shocked in the slightest that my preferred pastime boils down to simply thinking. I feel as though the cards I’ve been dealt lead me to no other route, really. From day one of life, Asperger’s Syndrome has greatly skewed my perspective on the world compared to the average young adult. My nature was thus converted to being a social moth, deliberately distancing myself from others, taking friendships much more seriously than most people along with just plainly overanalyzing everything. Loneliness becomes a universal constant when you have no concept of social rules and have no idea what people are truly thinking. As with anything, you can eventually get used to it. AS also causes a very small percentage of people to actually understand how I think and observe thing. I’m so used to having to over explain myself.
Coupled with AS, I’ve also lived with a mild form of Cerebral Palsy. Being a physical ailment it honestly doesn’t bother me much. With time it only gets worse so it has taught me to appreciate the present and not let myself worry too much about the future. It’s a rare perspective I think- when you know you’re doomed to be blind with little muscle control by the time you’re thirty. Evidently, sports aren’t exactly my strong suit, with no hope of much physical capabilities, what choice did I have but to nurture my process of thought? Thinking and thinking well is the only thing the world can never rip away from me no matter how cruel. My consciousness and the knowledge that I gain throughout my existence is the only certainty I have in my future. This is what it means for me to be alive.
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