Butterflies

Two hours of sleep tends to feel the same regardless of where you are. At least those two hours felt nice. Quality over quantity right? You're probably asking yourself what it is this time. "What's keeping him up?'
"Who hurt him now?"
"Do we finally have an eighth member to the platoon of heart destroyers?"
Surprisingly, it's none of those. We've been on a good streak. Despite being followed home by am entitled white Knight and threatened we've done good I'd say. The 'worst case scenario' was happily avoided and now the threads are stitched in.
It's those sickening creatures that won't stop flapping their wings. My intestines keep rearranging themselves as wingéd demons traverse my inner membranes. Like a stomach flu with arms and legs. Who put these fucking butterflies here?
Butterflies Dont just appear out of the blue. Metamorphosis must occur. Those parasitic larvae of love, they've been growing for four years. Every awkward conversation, every interest that was shown in my writing, every batch of hair dye.... It's all to blame. For this sleeplessness. I'm happy and I hate it. That ridiculous giddy smile that can't be wiped away when they laugh at something I say; The panic that overcomes me when I have to make up an excuse to talk to them, it feels good to have a crush. Then my masochism allows it to be just as nice when it crushes me. As the night drags on I only become more pathetic, the thought of another person shouldn't have this much power over how I feel or what my face does. It feels like a form of mind control. What's left over most of all is the fear. Again and again I get the same spiel that I don't have to feel bad about how I feel, just how I go about it. Then, the moment I'm honest with myself I get a barrage of chastising for it.
Let's just hope their food supply runs out soon. I would prefer to actually sleep tonight.
Fucking insects.

Friendship

Gwyndolin has come a long way from before. No longer wasting his time on the same girl that acts as though he were a yo-yo; each downward spiral becoming more violent than the last.  He has sought new aspirations or rather switched focus to a girl whom he'd always liked just never got up the courage to talk to. The butterflies in his stomach began to act like wasps, adding a sting of regret for not doing this sooner. To his surprise, upon speaking with her she actually responded, not instantly hating him right away. She wasn't one of those girls who was all about dating in relationships. She simply didn't care, and was somehow content with being single. That's what Gwyn liked about her most. It was an almost envious feeling due to his constant turmoil. Disregarding his crush on her, the only goal was a strong, reliable friendship. Which if provided properly, nullifies the need for an actual relationship. He just wants someone to be there for him. It was impossible to sexualize her. It's never been what he wanted. To him it was such a simple concept. Month's pass with only sparse conversations between them. They were short, but still became the highlight of his day. Eventually things became troublesome. Worries flooded his neural networks day and night. Spending whole evenings lying awake trying to play out and predict in his head how the next conversation would go. To ease this, Gwyn goes and does his best to make plans with her, obviously if they were just friends it shouldn't matter right? I couple weeks go by and the day had finally come. It had all worked out for once. He waits for her at a Brew Ha-Ha close by. For once in his life a girl hadn't flaked on their plans with him.  Gwyn ordered a double shot Latte. His favorite. He was so ecstatic to spend time with her, meanwhile she ordered Hot chocolate, she hated the bitterness of coffee. Almost like the way she cured Gwyn's bitterness. A couple hours went by of talking, one refill on the latte ensued. They talked about their perspectives on the meaning of life, living in trees, to even starting fictional businesses together. I've never seen him happier.
Dusk ominously approachs them. He wanted to stay in that moment for the rest of his life. Gwyndolin starts to drive her home when they both notice how clear the night sky was. Instead of driving her home, they drove to his house.  The night went on after they arrived as they got closer together, Becoming more sweaty bouncing up and down repeatedly. The two of them loved being on a trampoline. There had been no moon that night. All the stars could shine to their content without worry of being overlooked so easily. The two spent the remainder of their time simply laying there laughing like hyenas as the conversations grew more outlandish. She lay her head on his shoulder as they argue about why Crabs are seen as cancerous. Gwyndolin just smiled, knowing this had become what he had always wanted. Not a relationship, but the perfect friendship.

He awoke the next day immediately jumping at his phone to talk with her about the joys of the day before. However her number was suddenly gone. And the trampoline had disappeared. He checks his arm to notice how the scars still haven't healed, if anything they've reopened. The realization that everything was a dream was soul crushing enough. Gwyn also knew that it would never actually have the chance to happen. Which only made it even worse. He still had his originally best friend. He hadn't gone anywhere. He's always been there. Depression would always love Gwyndolin. No matter what.

The Things I'm Scared to Say Vol. II

I make a lot of stupid decisions. My first one is writing this. My second, is knowing I'll eventually have you read this even though it'll probably ruin any stability our friendship is standing on; if any. This isn't some sappy poem confessing a love for you. Nor is this a chamber of secrets where I've somehow lied or wronged you. Simply, I heavily regret not trying to become closer friends with you sooner. Assuming we're close at all. I would have been so much better off with a support like you, a friend like you. But I'm always nervous around you. Literally always. Ever since I met you, butterflies flood my stomach, my hands get sweaty, i Start to studder, and the list goes on. On top of that I'm scared shitless of annoying you or becoming a bother to you. You always seem busy. Plus I can't tell if you secretly hate my existence or not.
Surprisingly In the anxiety ridden moments when I'm around you; I've never felt better. It's impossible to be depressed around you. I love spending time with you. You're just so content with life. I just want to have that close friendship with you, I know it sounds a hell of a lot like dating territory and I'm trying to steer my emotions away from that. I just want someone to stay up with and be philosophical about life, someone to drink hot chocolate with and have none of the tension that dating brings. In short, I'm super awkward. You're super awesome, and i just wish I could be around you more often. Life looks prettier that way.

Antidepressant (Holium-Lithium)

I hate change. Yet it seems to be all my life has been filled with recently. Change in relationships, change in grades, change in hormones, mental chemicals, even a change in my number of family members. But for the last three years, I've noticed one small constant. My antidepressant. It's not always available. In fact it's extremely sparse. It's dose's vary. In the beginning the dose was just some butterflies in my stomach. Then came actual conversations and that had severe side effect of nervousness and and anxiety, just adding awkwardness to the ambiance of the biology classroom. I've always said weird shit at the end of every administered dose. Which in turn just lengthed the time before I would receive my next one. In year two I actually never received my antidepressants. that's when I needed them most. I always fear bothering my doctor. I feel like it's such a hassle to get their attention. On second thought I did have one dose in year two. after this it's no wonder I didn't get another. After the dose of a 3 hour conversation I sat there hanging on to it like some sort of addict. I suppose that's just desperation. As of the beginning of year three it seems my pharmacist is giving me a clean slate with a few doses already. They've been very small but had a big impact. It's so strange, just thirty seconds and everything seems to disappear. It's as if there's a force field that even when I'm in a small proximity of it I can start feeling better. Of course all these doses are platonic. I have a knack for taking a platonic dose of these and giving a non-platonic product. I have a large dose on the way. I'm not sure when it'll arrive or if it even will ship out. But I need to control it. This dose could finally make the medication no longer have temporary effects.
I don't need some crazy drug with tons of chemicals that just work of hormones and want nothing more than to repeatedly fuck like brain dead dogs. My medication is simple. All it does is listen, distract me and make me laugh. That's all anyone's antidepressant needs to do.