Confusion

I should feel fine. It should be as simple as that. Maybe it's just restlessness. I can't really tell. This is part of the reason why I don't let myself be Happy half of the time. Once I let myself feel that short little burst of bliss, whether it's from just relaxing, watching one of my favorite movies, or worst of all, succumbing to that torturous thing humans call love, I end up addicted to it.
There's no real proper reason for why I feel like I do. I hope it's just that I'm tired and that's that. I'd rather not have to remind myself that life is decent enough. Nothing makes you appreciate it more than nearly losing it.
I'm literally just rambling. I don't know what to feel, how to feel, what to write. Maybe I just need more caffeine. Who knows at this point. Perhaps I'm just fighting with myself on a more subconscious level. This whole monitoring my emotions thing gets exhausting. I have to sit there as everyone is allowed to enjoy love whereas I have to be afraid of it because unlike everyone else I turn into a Sociopath. It's an exaggeration I know, yeah there's worse people out there. There always will be. Self comparison won't get you anywhere.
Yeah, now I'm pretty sure that's what it is. I'm just fighting myself. Even listening to my favorite playlist, it's acting as a double edged sword. They're my favorites as I said. But 70% of them are about what I can't let myself do. Even now, I'm biting my tongue, or my fingers rather, since this isn't spoken. It's one of those things where i somehow believe if I simply don't say it or think about it, thus it's not true. But that's just a paradox that inherently makes one think about it more.
The truth is I really do feel alright. If someone asked I'd say i was fine or well because things really are. It's just not distracting enough from the infighting amongst myselves. Even if I just let myself go and allowed my emotions to do whatever they please, what then? Just awkward silences and one more instance that I've managed to fuck up. I spent 3 hours singing "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon to myself. Because that's the sort of shit I do. I let myself feel when no one's watching and so that way no one's awake to judge me or state the obvious.
In the end I think no matter how much I try, they'll just keep breaking the bottle. Maybe my emotions are just claustrophobic. Even the small ones. It all feels so uncontrollable at times, my emotions. It's part of the reason I get so masochistic. Physical pain seems to be the only thing I actually have control over. How I react to it is my choice. How it feels all depends on how much force I put into it, partly the sharpness of the knife but even that I can go get a sharper or more dull object depending on what I need. I'm happy with the universe at the moment, things are better than they have been in a long time. I guess it's just the fear of losing all of that for the 8th time in a row is why I'm so keen on keeping my emotions obedient. Knowing me, repressing them, despite their small irrelevant size, is only going to make the stronger.
I'm just going to need a bigger bottle, I suppose. I'll try vodka this time.