Forbidden Sparks

       Midnight Coffee is my new self-destructive habit. Or perhaps Enlightening. As you may know, in order to fall asleep one must pretend to be asleep. This pantomime of the cousin of death restricts us physically but never mentally. This is like Adderall for me. I'm pushed to think, ponder and analyze all that I can. I love it obviously, or else I wouldn't subtract sleep from my schedule in order to do so. Over the last few months of my absence I have found myself to be unusually in better moods over all. I really haven't been able to deduce why, especially after #8. Maybe it's because I've learned to divide my faith in people amongst more than one person, or perhaps I'm finally satisfied, because I got the knowledge I've been looking for.
        You see, forbidden things are usually forbidden for a reason. There's a consequence, some sort of risk involved; a catch so to speak. However, I don't care about the risk. And two years ago I had the best kiss of my life while seeing The Forest (it was horrible). I have not been the same since. That person, that Euphoric, warm, comforting human being has been the one consistent Infatuation I've had. I think my surrogate father put it best when he said, "You've loved her for the last two years and everyone else in between has just been a distraction". And he's right, because I always ended up going back, reconnecting that friendship. Looks like third time's the charm after all.
       Do not mistake what I am saying. I'm not obsessively scheming to obtain you, I am not expressing a great yearning to be with you or anything of the sort. She's happy as is and I hope it stays that way. With that clarified, my point is, that gymnist which is inseparable from my heart— You are my Forbidden Fruit. Taking a bite two years ago was the greatest thing I ever did. It's a risk sure, but the reassurance I get from knowing there will always be someone there to hold me is worth it. I don't care if we're coming back from Ohio, going to second base on our way to Arby's, or simply crying on each other's shoulders. I want you to understand how much that means to me and that the context is irrelevant. That just simply being you, being the closest thing I've found to a soulmate, is more than I could ever ask for and I appreciate you beyond description. I use the word soulmate because I remember you saying that you want me in your life forever. It's one thing we always do, we constantly affirm that neither one of us is going anywhere. If that type of bond isn't till death to us part, I don't know what is.
        I'm aware that I'm using a lot of romantic terminology. Just take a deep breath, don't over think it. I just want this to sound as beautiful as you are.
            Now, along with all this talk of satisfaction, it's a good place to mention that my curiosities have been explored. I'm not tortured by "what ifs' anymore. I got my answer and I'm perfectly satisfied with it.
            I remember it fondly. There we were, sitting on your bed together watching some movie I can't remember. As you know, we've always had this uncontrollable chemistry together, which is what doomed our friendship the first two times. You were just on the brink of being official with your official upgrade to someone who'd treat you properly. I looked you in the eyes and asked you, "Is there still that Spark between us like before or am I crazy?" I remember asking that before and getting drunken "I don't knows"
         You just kinda looked at me funny and shrugged. A few minutes go by, and suddenly we kissed. And then I kissed you a few more times just to be sure.
So we sat there looking at each other. In unison said, "Yeah there's definitely something." From that day, we've never been able to decipher this feeling that was there that day. It's such a mix of indescribable feels, but it's a mix I could drown myself in happily. Don't worry that's not necessary. All this reminiscing. Why are you always a part of my best memories?  Sometimes it's really good to just spend a night reliving the past. At present time Everything is well and  quite good I'd say for both of us in regards to this.
             Now I'm left to ponder further if things are the same as that day only not spoken of and hidden between our morning hugs. Apart of me really wants to ask. However, I don't think such an answer is possible to even come up with. We could speculate with the fact that we've only grown closer since then. I also fear that, if the answer isn't what I want it to be, I'm unsure if I'd still be happy with that. 

            After all this thinking to myself for nearly an hour straight, I think I might know what a piece this happiness you give me is. Hope.