Futures

           Time, it listens to no one yet affects Everything. It's the one thing that ties us all together. Time constantly moves in one direction and yet ironically the universe does nothing but repeat itself. No matter how hard I try to break the cycle. No matter how different Everything seems or feels nothing changes. No matter how much I change nothing works. They can be proud of me all they want but I still can't shake my purely inevitable self-destructive path.
The universe simply does not care whether or not we're apart of it. Our existence is purely the worst side effect that an exploding nebula has to offer. We're just constrained by time. Our futures are already written we just have no clue what's written on the pages. Frankly I really could care less if I read my next chapter...
   
        It's just been one of those days I guess. I feel so uncontrollable sometimes. I'm fully aware free will is an illusion but it's not supposed to be this bad. Remember how history likes to repeat itself? Well I was fucking stupid enough to recognize my patterns. No matter what I do it's still the same pattern. I'm helpless, my emotions just run a muck and just ruin every meaningful relationship I manage to conjure up purely out of luck. They don't listen to me. No matter what I do, what I say, who I distract myself with. I'm destined to constantly be my own worst enemy. Knowing that, it really makes me question if the future is worth even looking into. I mean, if something is ruining your life, like alcohol for example. You just get rid of it all Together. Or even other people you just cut them off and move on.  If that's the solution how the fuck am I supposed to cut off my own emotions. I feel trapped in my own emotions Because the moment I let them loose the intensity just scares everyone. That's what happens when you restrain something for so long. If you chain up a dog for years, the moment that fucker gets free he's running all over the place just trying to make the most out of his freedom Because he has no idea how long it'll last. My emotions are no different than that dog.

           So I pick a different bottle. I magically stumbled across some vodka and I immediately couldn't help myself and the next thing I know I have an Irish coffee in my hand while no one knows any different. Keeps me distracted enough to stop arguing with myself for a few hours. Then what? The realization that I have it engrained in me by my entire family to simply just have a drink when I feel fucked in the head. Nothing like watching your mother chug a 20 oz. Bloody Mary in under a minute when she's upset. It's written into my pages since birth.

     "Who am I to argue with destiny?"

      At least only 1/6 of me actually believes that statement. Meanwhile the rest of us stay self-aware.

        We're keeping Lover-Boy locked In place because we can't afford to fall one step further. The Little idiot's falling hard and we can barely stop him. He's just afraid to lose everything again so of course he gets more antsy than he should. The poor kid had his best friend drop him in the blink of an eye just for some kid with no insulin.
       
           I should've written this sooner. It's actually helping despite the clear deviation from purpose.  I guess there's no point in dragging this on any longer.

"Sladkih Snov" ~ Nobody