Have you ever felt more alone in a crowd of people than ever before? I've somehow acquired this illness that makes everything worse the more people happen to be involved. I feel like the more people you add to a mix the more opinions you subconsciously worry about. Therefore everyone I'm around changes a bit and they act a little differently. I find it insincere most times; mainly because unbeknownst to them it affects the way they treat me and I notice. Just one person is always enough for me. When it's one on one I have no one else to worry about except the other person. I can focus on them, actually sense how they feel without that being tainted. When I'm allowed to devout that much attention to a single person or moment, I'm able to truly appreciate that time and remember it.
I glance around a lot. Mostly when talking to people but even when I'm watching a movie I can't help but look around-- absorb the room. I try and focus so I can remember what color their eyes decided to be that day. Without memories the things we do in life and the people we make them with barely exist. Given that I prefer my memories to have as much detail as possible. It makes the good times really damn good. I form the memories to keep me happy as long as possible since I might not get the chance the make another one. Sure, all the sand at the end of my bed is a good reminder. But not as good as the detail of the moon reflecting light onto her eyes as she left.
Alas, Everything has two sides. It's Newton's third law. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. So of course the bad memories are all the harder to forget in the end. Naturally, negative memories last a lot longer simply by human nature. Let alone when you keep as much detail as I do. See, I have so much to choose from too. With the former it was as simple as referencing the most recent joyous memory I have. Unfortunately the happy ones fade since Everything I love leaves in the end. It's almost like negative memories are sentient and they purposefully stick around because they get a kick out of tormenting humans. Unlike most, I'm fully aware of how fragile we are; so are the memories.
Since I gave an example of a positive one I'm sure you're just enthralled and curious as to what depressing anecdote I'll mention. Despite it's unoriginality and the fact that you're probably one of the 400 witnesses that night. Let's flashback together.
This is the night Lucky number 7 earned her place as another knot in my homemade noose. Little did I know that in the following months would all lead to 2 more suicide attempts. With her name all over the cover page*. -- Speaking of which if I would've double knotted the damn thing it probably would've worked -- Anyways, it started as what I had predicted to be a good night. I was preprogrammed to add lots of detail to these memories. That was my first mistake. Fuck this, let's just start where it begins to hurt.
Remember what I said about being most alone in a crowd? That's when it hit me. It was a small circle of people. Myself, the only couple in the school that doesn't make me want to vomit, unlucky #7, her future superhero Captain Failing Pancreas, and finally the one who noticed. That dreadful moment. Any amount of joy leading up to that point immediately vanished. A friendship died that night. She couldn't even give it a proper burial. There I awkwardly stood, balancing between my surgically sewn legs, to a song I've never heard before with someone who didn't even want to be there with me. She sat and gawked at him the whole night. I was just a proxy so that she could go on her first unofficial date with Mr. Type 1.
As time went on I only ended up feeling worse and worse. Despite my interest in acting, I can't exactly fake my facial expressions when I get like that. However there was only one person who seemed to notice. It was nothing major, but she was the first person to ask if I was okay. Funny enough, to this day she's one of 2 humans who care enough to still ask. She was a nice enough person. I didn't really ever speak to her before so the concern meant something given that I wouldn't have expected her to care about me. I was honest and said no. But I didn't want to depress her night so I agreed to just explain it later. She lived up to it and was still willing to listen to me after a week had passed. Despite all of her own things to deal with. -- That has always stuck with me, when you did that. I know you were just being yourself sharing human decency but I still appreciate it. So thank you. -- Fourth wall breaks aside, Hodge's inquired to my emotions as well. I remember explaining, "There's nothing more depressing than going to a dance with someone who won't even talk to you".
"Damn man that's rough. Good luck. " A short and sweet response. I respect that. He had his own girlfriend to attend to so from guy to guy there's no reason in bothering him further with how I felt. He made falling in love with your best friend look so easy. At least there's proof it isn't entirely impossible. Anyways, after a couple hours the intense bass began to rearrange my organs. Don't these people understand the Physical consequences of soundwaves? I eventually decided to abandon the circle. I didn't care if it made a scene or not. Low and behold #7 finally notices. I remember she tried to apologise. I saw her lips move, but I couldn't hear her over the godawful music and the sharp ping of a heart shattering. This isn't a normal heart shatter either. It's the kind you get when someone you love takes everything that makes your bond with them special and lights it on fire. That's not even the part that hurt most. Friendships die left and right it's a part of life and growing up. But it's being left alone to die, and watch that flame burn out by myself that I can't handle. I remember telling her that too.
"I asked someone to look after you" she said.
"Well guess what Seven? You quit and didn't even give me a two weeks notice. I will never forgive you so don't waste my time asking. I don't hate you... But scars don't heal. And neither will your broken promise".
-------------------------------------
That night was 5 months ago. If I dwell on it I still gets me just as upset. (Obviously). So now the purpose. It's really hard to tell why I've gone and typed all this up in the first place. What if that night never happened? Would it all have ended the same way? Would I still be friends with one of the best authors I've met? Would I still be alive? We'll never know. Some may say that it's a bit unreasonable to still be upset after so long. While i can certainly see where their idea comes from, the past never goes away. The stars we see died out thousands of years ago and it's only now that we're able to see their light. The past is constantly affecting the present.
While we're here, I'd like to apologise for not writing actual stories In awhile. This goes out to anyone. My one loyal fan/fellow author. My trusty editor and any other random strangers that may care to read these things. That goes to anyone in the future too; who's either binge reading these Because I got famous or it's just the coronor who's trying to piece together why I jumped. The only times I've created an actual character recently were all over text. Now my writing has just been reduced to an hour long conversation I have with myself. And yet I still try and pretend as though I'm talking to someone at 5 AM. Even if it's still good that just makes me articulate. I don't know if that makes me a writer anymore. I'm just Monologuing about my thoughts day to day. I guess that just makes this place nonfiction now.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment