Disappear

It’s all I want. To be nonexistent. To not feel this pain. Why do I have to love her, why?! I want to run away. I need to hide. I want to cry forever. It feels like I need to die. I can’t do this. I Can’t. She’s all I think about now. I can’t form a sentence. I’m choking on the tears i can’t cry. Love is a curse I swear. It gives you hope then rips it away. It makes it so you can’t choose. It is designed so that you have to sit there and watch her like you’re fucking window shopping and just as you earn the money it’s already gone. I just want to be washed away.  I haven’t been able to speak a proper sentence in hours. I feel like I’m dying. I wish i was. I wouldn't even need much to feel content. If I could be hers just for an hour I’d be happy. I hate admitting that i want things. What am I talking about...? I’m not worth it. Not worth the time. Not worth caring about. I feel like nothing now. I've drowned in my sorrows for could this time. I’m in too deep. Not worth saving. I can’t do this. I don’t even understand myself so how can anyone else? “It gets better” You’ll be fine”. Bullshit no I won’t. It only seems to get worse. And for that it is no one other than myself.

Somehow i feel that an actual stab in the heart may in fact hurt less.